I have so much catching up to do it's ridiculous. Too much going on these days. "Secret" things I haven't wanted to talk about too much with many people because then it would make it all more real. Like the fact that we have been searching towns and new jobs like crazy for over six months; taking trips all over tarnation trying to figure out where to move our family this summer. And the fact that my friend April talked me into applying to teach a series of classes especially for mothers at BYU Idaho's Education Week (holy guacamole - is that my name on the list?) this summer with her and the other co-creator of The Power of Moms website, and BYU-Idaho actually accepted me. (What were they THINKING? What was I thinking?) So starting in about a week and a half I'll be "practicing" these classes on some moms here where I live. If I live to see that day. I'm having major anxiety attacks over the whole thing. Not really, but I have felt on the brink at times. You see, I find it terribly hypocritical to neglect any of my five million responsibilities as a mother to work on preparing classes about motherhood of all things, so I have had very little time to get ready. I pretty much only work on these classes (NINE, one hour classes - three are actually for youth) if the kids are in bed, and since I am not one of those people who can function on less than 7 or 8 hours of sleep, that just doesn't leave me a whole lot of time.
As if there aren't a bajillion other women out there who are more qualified and could do a better job, but for whatever reason the opportunity presented itself to me and I decided to go for it. That's what I get for having this quote as one of my personal life motivators:
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. - Teddy Roosevelt
I just really, really don't want to fail. Even if it's while daring greatly. Failure stinks.
Why even do this at this stage in life you might ask? Lately, I'm asking myself that same question, but mostly I just love the idea of helping other moms who may need a little support and validation while doing the toughest job in the world. (My little contribution to society I suppose, since I'm a PTA drop out.) I think once women get beyond the stage I'm in, they get what I like to call "Momnesia" (future article title FOR SURE!) and they aren't as effective in relating to the moms "in the trenches".
And we really, really don't want to move ever again, so the pressure of choosing the place our children will call home forevermore is also mounting as we get closer to our own personal deadline of this summer. Kate starts Jr. High in the fall so we feel NOW is the time. Everyone is new in Jr. High, right? And the younger children are young enough to adapt easily.
Some days, it's just too much to think about. But today was a great day. I got back on track, re-focused, and was reminded that it in the end, it's all going to be okay.
Taking a little Sunday stroll around the block with these guys helped:
How exciting. You will do great in Idaho. I have always enjoyed your thoughts and the honest way you communicate. From your e-mail updates years ago and now your blog. I knew you were a kindred mother when you wrote about keeping your lounge pants on all day in hopes of working out that day. I smile to myself at a lot of your blog updates because I have gone through or still are going through things you talk about. Good luck with planning. Just speak honestly and everyone will relate.
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