I Won't Lie

Brandon didn't really come home a few days ago.  He's coming home this afternoon.  I just wrote that because the same day I noticed my kids had left the downstairs sliding door wide open to the street that is our backyard (I'm tiring of renting) for maybe like 2 days, my neighbor came over and warned me about announcing on my blog that my gun and weapon laden husband was out of town. (I mean, really, if a mommy blog stalking axe murderer is intent on killing my family, what will Brandon do in his pajamas in the middle of the night, right? Well, he will pull that machete out of his nightstand drawer, that's what!)

So I had to lie, and I also had to call that same neighbor's husband after 9pm and ask him to come do a thorough search of my basement, which he did, quite thoroughly.

So I won't lie--it's been a long and yucky week.  Like I mentioned before, on top of "the usual," Rachael got sick, I've been cooped up inside since it's been cold and rainy every single day this week (and you know how I deal with cold and gray), I forgot a doctor's appointment I've had on the calendar for over a month, there were the major projects, then teacher appreciation stuff, and today I'm supposed to go help with Will's Rendezvous trading post something or other activity and then come back 1.5 hours later to see his project on display (even though I'm already very familiar with that tri-fold poster) . . .

Usually I can handle all this stuff just fine. But I've been a hormonal wreck this week on top of getting really bad sleep (because even after the thorough exam of my basement, I have a really, really hard time going to sleep when Brandon isn't home) and that combination--out of whack hormones and lack of sleep (and, oh, eating things like cake for dinner)--pretty much turn me into a crazy person. I can handle anything after a good night's sleep and NOTHING after a bad one.

I find myself short on patience with everyone, especially the parents who park their monster sized cars right in the middle of the school drop off lane without pulling up, even though there are 50 cars lined up behind them, and then sit there for five minutes while their child collects all their belongings, and another five while they watch them to be sure they actually enter the school building. (Rolling eyes and sighing heavily, remembering that I am not a swearing person.)

And as much as I don't want Rachael to grow up too fast any time soon, her constant companionship can be challenging at times when I feel like I just need to stare at the wall and THINK for an hour or two. (Did I mention I will be 17 years into motherhood before Rachael is in school full-time?) I hate to admit it, but I won't lie--I feel a little burned out at times. (Click here for how I deal with THAT.)

I also find myself getting easily overwhelmed, giving in and giving up, and then feeling like a complete LOSER of a mother, that feeling only being complicated by the fact that I write a blog for an online newspaper called "Motherhood Matters" of all things.  It's also not a good way to feel going into our Power of Moms retreat tomorrow where I'll be doing a little ditty on balance, boundaries, and margins of all things.  (Can I get the notes on that one for myself, please???)

I won't lie--I feel like an inadequate hypocrite sometimes. And hypocrisy doesn't suit me. I'm a painfully honest person, especially with myself.

But then I calm myself down by realizing that none of us in The Power of Moms organization are trying to say we've got it all figured out and are doing it all perfectly, we're just trying to create a curriculum of sorts for mothers, present information that we know will help mothers (ourselves included), and then continue to muddle through together as we all work on implementing this stuff the best we can. That's fair, right?

I think my emotional basket case-ness is also being compounded by the anxiety I'm feeling in anticipation of going out to Iowa next week to see my sister who is sorely battling with cancer--and not so well. It's kind of why I'm making a special trip out by myself without the kids before we all make the trek out there together again in June after school lets out. I haven't seen my sister in four years.

And I won't lie--I'm not really sure how to do this kind of thing. So if anyone has any tips, love, support, advice, or WHATEVER to share, I'm just here feeling like a basket case.

Thanks for listening.